The ‘C’ word

No, not the rude one – though I’m quite partial to dropping the odd ‘c-bomb’ should the need arise. In this case I mean Christmas. Is it too early? I suspect it probably is but I shall plough on regardless.

Usually I refuse to acknowledge anything vaguely festive until at least early December; I’ve been known to huff out of shops that play Christmas songs prematurely (though I do make an exception for ‘She Came Home For Christmas’ by Mew, or the beautiful Cocteau Twins cover of ‘Frosty the Snowman’ which has the exact opposite effect) . Similarly, I haven’t been on eBay since they started the, FREAKIN’ INTRUSIVE, virtual countdown of how many days there are left for them to part you from your money.

Still, when it comes to this most commercialised of usurped Pagan festivals, you have to be vaguely organised. Unless, that is, you enjoy the special look of unrestrained indifference when you present your family with gifts hastily wrapped in newspaper or relish the thought of tucking in to a microwave macaroni cheese because you forgot to buy a turkey.

So, forgive my smugness, when I say that I’ve got Christmas dinner sewn up already. In one fell swoop I’ve jauntily side-stepped the planning, shopping, cooking and even the washing up.

“What is this black magic of which you speak?!” , I hear you cry.

We’re off oot, thanks to the hospitality of a local restaurant. I don’t know why I’ve never thought of it before. Breathtaking in its simplicity and laziness, but isn’t that what Christmas is all about (What’s that? “Little baby Jesus.”, nope, never heard of him).

It also means I can knock back the breakfast Bucks Fizz and pre-lunch G&Ts without fear of becoming so ‘altered’ I manage to throw the vegetables (meticulously prepared the night before) into a sink of dirty washing up water (as in 2006) or forget to put the oven on (like in 2009).

What’s that annoying management-speak phrase? “To fail to plan, is to plan to fail, to make a flan on a plane.”? Something like that. Either way, I’ve planned. What about you?